Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Brief Chronology of a Post-Termination Fugue

0 Hour: In the middle of a phone call in which you are putting out someone else's customer-related fire because you are the only employee at the company who speaks German, you receive a subtle note telling you to visit your boss' office.  You visit said office, where the Queen of Euphemisms herself descends to deliver a message: "You and the company are no longer a match."  Her reasoning: "You were trying too hard to do your job well rather than correctly and we have done nothing to alert you to this fact and/or give you the opportunity to correct your procedure."

+ 1 minute: You are escorted from the premises, dumbfounded and stuttering, and your key-card is re-possessed while a manager collects your personal effects from your cubicle and brings them to you (exception, your wallet and keys, which you must collect yourself because the manager cannot be responsible).

+ 5 minutes: You wander aimlessly around the adjoining supermarket looking for your consciousness.

+ 10 minutes: You get in your car and exercise your tear ducts.

+ 15-30 minutes: You drive your car to the southernmost point of the local peninsula were you shout at the ocean amid a pall of shame and mucus.

+ 1 hour: You call your mother for a rant and a little catharsis while driving aimlessly around town.

+ 2 hours: You listen to some Metallica at an unhealthy decibel level, for catharsis, sometimes screaming along and scaring passing motorists.

+ 2.5 hours: You begin to scheme and daydream of ways of starting your own rival business and forcing your former employer into bankruptcy.

+ 3 hours: You return home and rant to your girlfriend and the two of you, now partners in joblessness, discuss immolating something, anything.

+ 3.5 hours: You settle in on the couch to play a violent war video game, for catharsis, and annihilate enemy forces ruthlessly.

+ 4.5 hours: In a fit of passive-aggressiveness, you blog about it, for catharsis.

+ 6 or 7 hours (projected): You finance the college funds for the children of a local bartender.

0 comments:

Post a Comment